I’m thinking of buying a vest.

I’ve reached that time of life.

When I can slurp drinking a cup of tea.

And eat peas off of me knife.

I can start being rude to children.

And I’m learning to cough and spit.

I’m really quit looking forward.

To being a doddery old gitt.

I’ll grow a yellow moustache.

And force me grand kids to give me a kiss.

And I’ll buy a pair of them trousers

That permantly smell of piss.

I’ll bump into people in the street.

And hit them with me brolly.

And then I’ll go into Sainsberys.

And play havoc with me trolley.

I can buy a plastic shopping bag.

And let the handles fray.

And drink mild and bitter.

And moan if a’v to pay.

I’ll loos control of me bladder.

And get one of them bags instead.

So when I’ve a’d ten pints at night.

I don’t have to get out of bed.

So I’m going to be a doddery old git.

Just as soon as I can.

Or failing that I’ve half a mind

To be a dirty old man.

A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine Inspection Service in Adelaide. A bloke and his family were on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a week.  An avid cactus fan, the man bought one-metre high, rare and expensive cactus there.  On arrival back home Australian Customs said it must be quarantined for 3 months. 

He finally got his cactus home.  Planted it in his backyard, and over time it grew to about 2 metres.  One evening while watering his garden after a warm spring day, he gave the cactus a light spray.  He was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another spray and it shivered again.

A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine Inspection Service in Adelaide. A bloke and his family were on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a week.  An avid cactus fan, the man bought one-metre high, rare and expensive cactus there.  On arrival back home Australian Customs said it must be quarantined for 3 months. 

He finally got his cactus home.  Planted it in his backyard, and over time it grew to about 2 metres.  One evening while watering his garden after a warm spring day, he gave the cactus a light spray.  He was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another spray and it shivered again.

I had one escape from reality
That used to be my dreams
To drift away to that subconscious world
 Where nothings what it seems

Lots of dreams I remember
 And some im pleased to forget
 Some of them were scary 
And some of em was wet

Then I caught insomnia
 And found I couldn’t sleep
 It were my doctor that suggested
I should take up counting sheep.

Well it seemed to work at first
Id nod off when Id counted a few
 But in my dream I fell in love
With this sexy little yew.

We would graze the grass together
 And do other sheep like pursuits
 And do disturbing things
involving Wellington boots.
 
so I decided to become a shepherd
Bought a dog a crook and a hat
 But walking the streets of Ipswich
I felt a proper prat.

My insomnia soon came back
I were scared to go to sleep
 I new as soon as I closed my eyes
 Id dream of bloody sheep.

Occasionally when Im awake
 I think of my sexy yew
 And I sometimes write er a love song
 When iv ad a few.

But I think Im quite cured now
My obsession has run its course
 I ad er again in my dream last night
 But this time with mint sauce.

Sorry i hav not been around for a wile i still read most days and make the ocasional comment but not bloging at the moment but its nice to see what you ar all up to. I will be back thanks for not wiping me off your friends lists M.P